Youth and sex? “A post-ideological attitude. Calm.” Intimate relationships?
“This is the first thing young people look for in a relationship. But—be careful—they look for it in a rather unique way. They have a new, pragmatic approach. It excludes daily communication and reflects a vigilant attitude toward their own individuality.” These words come from a sociologist.
Several years ago, Franco Garelli conducted a study for Mulino publishing house on love and sex among young people. The most striking finding is that first sexual experiences occur between the ages of 13 and 15 (a trend that has persisted for over 20 years). Nearly three out of four respondents unhesitatingly declared themselves “faithful” partners. “And all this despite their attitudes toward this issue, which were often shaped by obligations, incentives, and requests that young people are unwilling to give up,” notes Garelli, who continues to closely observe the generation rapidly transitioning from post- to post-postideology.
Experts are watching closely, listening closely. But here in Italy, experts don't offer us a lot of research to tell us about these young people who are too often
It manages to catch us off guard. Let's just recall the tragedy that occurred in Garlasco. Alberto Stasi and Chiara Poggi preferred to devote more time to work and study than to living symbiotically, hand in hand? Sleeping together every night? And these details became integral parts of the charges against Alberto (we are talking about the murder of 26-year-old Chiara Poggi in the town of Garlasco in the province of Pavia on August 13, 2007. Her fiancé was the suspect in the murder. – Ed.). Toni Servillo, who played the detective brilliantly in the film “The Girl from the Lake” (La ragazza del lago), thought the same: Roberto and Anna did not have sexual relations, despite the fact that they were engaged. It is absolutely fair to suspect Roberto of Anna's murder.
And yet. “Couple relationships have changed,” asserts Chiara Saraceno, a sociologist and expert on the subject. She says, “Today, it's quite normal to form a couple at a relatively young age. But there's still a trend toward later marriage. And these days, not living together and wanting one's own space are no longer perceived as a whim, but as a necessity. Young people have a strong desire for self-affirmation and self-interest. And neither partner seeks this affirmation within the couple.” Nor, as was previously the case, does it seek it through sexual relationships.
Do young Italians have little sex? Of course, but not like the French. At least not yet. In France, columnist Jean-Philippe de Tonnac pondered this, writing about the asexual revolution (the essence of which is to reduce sexual relations to zero), which is being discussed by young people on websites, at conferences, and in associations. In Italy, Alessandra Graziottin, director of the San Raffaele gynecological center in Milan, enlightened us on this issue: “The truth is that the age of first sexual experience is steadily decreasing. Sometimes young people have sex before they're 12. And so, after such intense sex, when partners form a stable couple, they very quickly lose their sexual attraction to each other.”
We are young Italians. We are not like the young women I write about in my
Pulitzer Prize-winning author Laura Sessions Stepp recently wrote about this in her book Unhooked, recently published in the US. After a period of wild sex, they first lose love, and then the very will to live. No, our young people have a good head on their shoulders. They pursue their own interests and strive to maintain their independence.
“It's not their fault. The problem is that we are witnessing a societal drift toward individualism,” says Anna Oliverio Ferraris, a psychologist specializing in the physical and spiritual development of individuals. She asserts, “You only need to watch cartoons, children's books, and television channels like the Disney Channel to understand that the urge toward individualism, toward solving all problems on your own, and seeking strength within yourself, is everywhere.”
Perhaps this is why, on the threshold of marriage, one in 110 couples under 30 believes that, for a relationship to last, individual freedom is more important than equality and the absence of conflict. A study on this topic was conducted by Vittorio Filippi, a sociologist from Venice. While mutual respect is one of the most important factors (86.2%), personal freedom, at 15.4%, is only slightly behind sexual comfort (21.1%) and the desire to have children (20.1%).
“It's worth noting that our young people are experiencing a phenomenon described by Aristotle in ancient Greece. It's about filia, an attachment perceived as strong friendship and cooperation, distinct from eros—the breathtaking passion that justifies the most incredible behavior.” Eva Cantarella studies classical antiquity, with a particular focus on women.
To reach our days, she had to overcome a thorny path: through Christianity (because it was in the 3rd century after the birth of Christ that the concept of a modern married couple as a free choice, and not an imposed decision, was born) to romanticism (“when the family was finally based on true feelings of love”).
These days, we are witnessing a revolution. Attachment will be separated from eros. Personal freedom is more important than equality in a couple. Individual commitments take precedence over the need to be together all the time. But the singer Cocciante reminds us: “When love ends, like mine did, without a reason, without a cause, just like that, you feel a lump in your heart, you feel a hole in your stomach, you feel an emptiness in your head.” It's very difficult now to understand what's happening. As in the times of Christianity. Or Romanticism. In the times of our grandparents. And our children's grandchildren.