Life is unpredictable, you never know where it will take you next. An affair with a married man is just another stage that should not become a tragedy of your entire life.
I take more air into my lungs — the main thing is not to get scared at the last moment, I think: “I'll tell you now,” and I really say: “I'm leaving you.” It comes out quietly and indistinctly. He asks again, I repeat. “I understand,” he says, “but I love you.” “I love you too,” I answer just in case, to somehow smooth out the awkwardness that has arisen. I rush to explain, the words get confused in my mind, the excuses become completely pathetic and vague, I mumble about how I want to make someone coffee in the morning, that I'm tired of waking up alone, that I want to be able to call my husband whenever I want, even if it's half past three in the morning, that I'm tired of maintaining the illusion of a happy relationship, that… In short, all the things that women usually babble about when they're leaving those they haven't fallen out of love with yet, but passionately want to do as soon as possible.
Now that a lot of time has passed since breaking up with someone I once loved very much, I can finally articulate what a relationship with an unfree man is like and why it always ends.
I am not her.
An incredible number of movies, books, smart psychologists and not-so-smart girlfriends hammer a simple truth into our heads: married men never leave their families. No, not like that. Sometimes they do leave, and then you are left with ex-girlfriends, a minor child, a broken and most likely not very expensive car, debts, problems, in short, everything that another woman used to carry on her shoulders and has now passed on to you as an inheritance.
The firm belief that now that your lover is not bound by documents, a stamp in the passport and moral obligations, you will live differently is deceptive. Otherwise, you will not live, it will be exactly the same as before. True, there will be dirty socks, underwear, dishes, endless cooking of breakfasts, lunches and dinners (because before his wife fed him, and now his wife is you), domestic incompatibility and other “pleasant” aspects of family life that you probably did not take into account during the stormy romance. And besides, most likely, the man who moved from the category of “lovers” to a new status did not change his views on life. So you have every chance of becoming another deceived wife.
Agree, it's much more pleasant to travel from a restaurant to a hotel, which, by the way, you didn't clean, than to sit up all night, holding your phone tightly in your hand, waiting for a message or call: “Everything's fine, I was just late at work / I'm spending the night at a friend's house / I met an acquaintance / nothing happened.” But why are you sure that he “had it” with you, and not with others? How are you different from all the other girls he could have met when he was late at work? There are probably other women who also hope for something more.
“I'm not her,” you think, running the washing machine with his shirts, which are now yours too, yours, not that other woman who has been a vague shadow throughout your romantic history. In reality, everything is much more prosaic, you are her. Now you are her. Ultimately, all you managed to acquire by bringing a man into the family is the unenviable definition of “mine.”
Married men never call their other half by name in front of their mistresses, they say “Mine said..”, “Mine went…”, “Mine decided…”. Mine. And that's it. In the extreme case, “wife”, and from this “my wife”, believe me, no one trembles, does not shout: “Since you are married, then nothing can happen between us!” and does not faint, and even more so does not remain in the firm belief that the husband loves you with great and selfless love.
There remains another type of men who are not averse to taking a walk on the side – noble ones. One of my acquaintances told me: “For me, betrayal is leaving the family, my wife should not be offended by anything else, I always return home.” And these are the ones, full of self-esteem and nobility – the vast majority.
Exception
In order not to discredit men in the eyes of women, I will say with confidence – happy exceptions, of course, happen. And they happen much more often than we could imagine, life, in general, consists of exceptions. So, it is quite likely that the happy case is yours.
There are so many fascinating stories about how people first get married, then meet the love of their lives, grab a suitcase and run to love, to live side by side with it and die on the same day surrounded by two dozen grandchildren, or better yet, great-grandchildren.
True, even with this scenario, there is a risk that, together with your children and grandchildren, you will be carrying the children and grandchildren of that other woman for the rest of your days, who, unfortunately, will not disappear after the divorce (and if your betrothed makes sure that she disappears, and even with a child in her arms, you should think about the correctness of your choice).
It is very easy to understand whether your case has become the same, happy one. Men are decisive creatures and if necessary, in order to make the right (or wrong, which is also quite likely) choice, they need a minimum amount of time, the account here is literally hours, at worst – days. That is, roughly speaking, if he did not rush, burning with the desire to spend the rest of his days with you, in the first month to file for divorce and nobly rewrite the broken car and apartment to the abandoned half – you can be sure – he will not run away.
Unfortunately, the same pattern works here as with a wedding: if no one has taken you to the registry office in three years, most likely they will not (except for a lucky chance, of course, but not everyone will endure this).
Instant happiness
Paradoxically, while you know that your love story can end at any moment, you enjoy instant happiness. Any planning in this case can turn into a disaster. As, by the way, and ownership.
Despite the fact that “stolen happiness is also happiness,” there is a simple truth that you will have to understand, albeit with some difficulty: “It is not yours.” It is anyone's, but not yours.
As soon as you want to take him away, take him in, uproot him from that, other family, it will turn out that he was not going to go anywhere, or he has a seriously ill child/wife/mother-in-law/guinea pig, and besides, it would be naive to assume that there, in the conditionally named “enemy camp” your beloved will be released so easily – you are not the only one who loves him with great and pure love, after all. Be sure that if it comes to battles, the trophy will not go to you, because he is used to it THERE, but not HERE (in this aspect, men are like cats). Do you agree to love on such grounds? It is a matter of taste.
The kind of ease that allows a woman to enter into a relationship with the lucky owner of a stamp in her passport is, unfortunately (or fortunately), not common to everyone. The stereotypes that have been hammered into our heads since birth prevent us from relaxing and simply having fun.
Someone said: “As soon as a woman falls in love, she immediately tries on the name of her object of sighs.” She tries on it like a dress or panties. If you decide to have a romantic story with a married man – forget about trying on the name, the apartment, don't even think about fantasizing about what you will name your future children.
You are happy until it comes to specifics. By the way, this does not mean at all that you find yourself in the role of someone who is always waiting and will not wait for anything. In a relationship where no one depends on anyone, there are no waiting and no deceived people. And if your soul requires sacrificial love, pay attention to single people.
The illusion of life
It is worth making a reservation right away: “final” relationships can last a very long time, a year, two, three, ten years, and even a lifetime. However, you need to be a desperate adventurer to last until the grave with a person who has been running from one house to another for half a century. And if you are not one of those who seek extreme adventures, one morning you will wake up in an empty bed and realize that this cannot go on. After all, even with a man by your side, you are still left alone – you have breakfast alone, go on vacation alone, do repairs in the apartment alone. It is impossible to spend your whole life alone, “a person needs a person.”
A woman, no matter how much she insists on her independence, is a creature that gravitates towards home comfort, and most importantly, towards stability. A long relationship with a non-free man creates the illusion of this stability.
I always knew that if I had a big trouble or a small inconvenience, my lover would be the first to rush to my rescue. However, then he would leave again, to his wife and son.
You will discuss your weekend plans with him with your friends, you will say “my husband”, you will even believe that he is really yours (albeit temporarily), but one fine day you will have to sadly acknowledge the fact that you are alone. And with the realization of a simple, but no less depressing truth, you will also have to admit that your happiness is illusory, like a mirage in the desert.
If you agree to a relationship with a man who is not free, prepare yourself for the fact that sooner or later you will have to leave him. With the awareness of the imminent end, life seems brighter, intimacy more pleasant, and the inevitable separation is just another stage of life. As you know, no one dies from love, they die from someone else.
PS This article is the personal experience, subjective reflections and views of one person, expressed based on a letter to the editor. It is not and should not be considered professional psychological, legal or any other advisory advice regarding relationships or life decisions. Relationships are complex and unique to each couple, and the conclusions drawn by the author based on his own experience may not apply to everyone.
