Women shared personal stories about affairs with married men and what conclusions they drew about these relationships, Ukr.Media reports.
I helped my lover pack things for his wife at the maternity hospital.
I helped my lover pack his wife's things for the maternity hospital. It sounds impossible, but it's true.
We met Gena at an exhibition a few years ago. He is young, tall, athletic, knows foreign languages, and holds a good position. We are both from the same town, and we found common ground. In general, we started dating. Although I knew that he had a wife. I lived alone, and once a week my lover came to my place for the evening, and sometimes even for the night. So we met secretly for over a year.
One evening we were sitting in a restaurant. Gena was turning a glass of red wine in his hand, and I noticed that he was nervous and wanted to say something. I thought that he was about to admit that he was going to get a divorce and wanted to marry me. This thought cheered me up.
I began: “I can see that you are worried. You can trust me. Tell me what is troubling you.”
My lover engraved “You won't like this,” and I realized it was going to be about something else.
That evening, I heard for the first time that his wife was pregnant. And not just pregnant, but in the maternity hospital and about to give birth.
To my emotions, “How can that be? That's impossible!”, my lover said, “What's the problem? I'm married, and I didn't have a child on the side.”
Then we went together to get the necessary things for his wife, which he then took to the maternity hospital. I helped choose and at the same time asked myself: “Am I crazy?”
He spent the night his wife was in labor in my bed. And we weren't just lying next to each other, as you might guess.
I don't advise anyone to repeat this scenario. Gena and I broke up. And now I understand how dishonest the man was.
I fell in love with my friend's husband, but he rejected me.
Ten years ago, my husband and I were friends with a married couple – we went to barbecues together, celebrated, shared the successes of our children. Olena and Dima often visited us, and I specially baked my signature pancakes for them.
Unexpectedly for myself, I found myself in love with my friend's husband. Dima was so creative, so sensitive. I noticed that he looked at me in a special way. Soon we had a romantic relationship that did not oblige us to anything.
We were both 40 years old, and I decided it was time to be happy again. Yes, I decided to divorce and stay with Dima. How would his wife Olena and my husband Oleg react to this? I was afraid to imagine, but I started to act.
First, I confessed to my husband. To my surprise, he replied quite calmly: “Well, if that's what you've decided, then good luck to you.”
Next was Olena. I confessed to my friend that I loved her husband. She was silent, and then she said, “It's good that you said it yourself.”
I easily looked into the future, where I already lived with Dima in my fantasies. But Dima announced to all of us: “They got me married without me? Why did everyone decide that I was going to change something?”
After this story, Oleg and I broke up. I don't know if Olena and Dima stayed together. I heard that they had problems in their relationship, but I think Olena forgave him.
And I met a new love, I'm doing well. My ex-husband got married and says he's happy.
I didn't know he was married until his wife called my mom.
I was waiting for the prince, and I met him. Misha was 15 years older, well-groomed, very gallant. He rented an apartment in the center to live with me. And I didn't know that it was rented, because Misha said that it was his own home. Then it turned out that he had two apartments – he lived in one with his wife and children, and they rented out the second.
Mishko often went on “business trips” (but in reality to his wife and children in another district). He told his wife the same thing, who eventually revealed his entire deception. She simply found my mother's phone number, called her and told her everything, and my mother told me.
At first I didn't want to forgive such a deception, but he swore he would divorce me. I decided to give him a chance.
Myshko got divorced quickly, and we immediately went to get married. I admit that I was very happy. At first (two or three years) everything was fine, but then my husband changed jobs and became very hot-tempered. He even raised his hand at me a few times, and before that nothing like that had happened.
I filed for divorce, although we had a child together, whom Misha loves very much. After the divorce, I began to communicate more often with his ex-wife. She says that she never regretted the divorce for a day and was surprised that I agreed to marry her ex-husband after such a deception. And now I am surprised myself.
I waited for over 10 years for my lover to divorce me.
I noticed Kyryl on the first day I came to work at my new place. We started going to lunch together, exchanging funny photos, and treating each other to sweets…
Within a month we started meeting secretly. I knew he had a wife and a small child. A year later I confronted him with the fact: either he gets a divorce or we get a divorce. Kyrylo tried to talk to his wife, but she told him that in case of a divorce she would go abroad with the child to live with her sister, and he would not see his son grow up.
Kirill stayed with the family. And we either divorced or reconciled… We lived in this mode for over ten years.
Over the years, I got tired of being a mistress, I wanted to get married, have a child… I told my married lover that we should get a divorce. Kirill's son was 15 at that time, and his father decided to leave the family for good. This time, his wife was not against it, but was even pleased.
We got married and a terrible thing happened: we are completely incompatible in everyday life, we constantly argue, sort things out, and make claims to each other… Is this why I waited more than ten years for my lover to become my husband?
The only plus of this marriage is the birth of a child, because I have long dreamed of becoming a mother.
Every time his wife got pregnant, he swore his love to me.
We met Sergey at an inopportune time. I felt lonely, and he started paying attention to me. He said: “I haven't had love with my wife for a long time. You are my beloved woman.”
When I raised the issue of divorce, it turned out that his wife was pregnant. Serhiy assured me that it was an accident, it was only once and that's it… I believed him because I was in love. It's very stupid, but you can't bring back the past.
And he invited me to his house when his wife was in the maternity hospital! He said, let's live together for three days. Can you even imagine that? I refused, of course, but I didn't break off the relationship.
The next stage: “I can't leave yet, my daughter is so young.” And I waited. When the child was three years old, I threw a tantrum, screaming that I also wanted a family and children. Sergey promised that I would have everything.
After some time, I find out from friends that my lover's wife is expecting a second child. That's the big deal.
He wrote to me several times about his love, called me, asked me to come back, but this only made me angry. I counted how many years I had lost with him… Six years — to nowhere.
My boss got a divorce for me, but I refused to go and sign it with him.
I had an affair with a married boss. He is 14 years older than me, but I fell in love like a boy.
We dated for almost a year, and my lover decided to break up. No, I didn't insist on it, it was just his wish.
We filed for marriage, but at the last moment I changed my mind. Two children, constant calls from my ex-wife about various children's issues, my fiancé's boredom and much more… I decided that I didn't need all this, and left him. He was almost hysterical, he reproached me for breaking up with his wife because of me. But nothing, a couple of months later he found himself a young girl, I saw their photos from social networks.
I don't regret anything.
This is the result of low self-esteem, complexes and fears of these women, who clearly need psychotherapeutic help.
There is a proverb: “Don't open your mouth to someone else's bread.” It probably once implied that you shouldn't take what doesn't belong to you, reminding people to be polite and respectful of others. In addition, it also means that you shouldn't interfere in other people's affairs, especially if they don't directly affect you.
In the modern world, we most often hear this saying about relationships with men who already have a family. And all these stories are generally the best confirmation of folk wisdom, since none of them ended with “they lived happily ever after.”
On the contrary, each of the heroines (except for the last one) realized that they had lost enough time (and some more than 10 years of their lives) waiting “by the sea for the weather” – that is, they were actually disrespected by their husband, listening to his empty promises about an upcoming divorce, and were afraid to make the only right decision in this situation: to break up with their husband and take up their own life.
Such relationships are wrong, humiliating for the woman who acts as a mistress, and very offensive for the one who is married to this man, since a married man has pledged to be faithful to his wife.
Typically, the duration of such relationships is based on so-called codependency.
Codependency is a psychological condition where one person is highly dependent on another for emotional support and satisfaction of their needs.
In love triangles, each participant (lover, wife, and husband) can become codependent on the other because such relationships are not healthy—the participants are unable to set healthy boundaries and resolve their relationship issues. Plus, these relationships are not based on mutual love and respect, so the husband doesn't tell either his wife or his girlfriend.
At the same time, the woman who acts as the mistress in this union feels anxiety and worry, fearing losing her partner, and therefore continues to see him. All this ultimately leads to nervous and emotional exhaustion, as well as loss of self-esteem and self-confidence.
It is especially unfortunate that some of the heroines of these stories stayed with their husbands, knowing about their wives' pregnancies, being in the maternity hospital, giving birth to children… And even helped their lovers buy things for discharge.
It is clear that this is the result of low self-esteem, complexes, and fears of these women, who clearly need psychotherapeutic help.
But none of them thought that maintaining a relationship with a married man would never lead to anything good. Not only because another wisdom states, “You can’t build happiness on someone else’s misfortune” (it’s hard to argue with that), but also because marrying a person and being their lover are two different things.
Family is a responsibility. It is a union of two people who have similar goals and objectives. Marriage is not easy: it depends on the ability to maneuver, negotiate, understand, and accept.
Being a mistress is definitely easier: yes, there are many experiences and sufferings, but you don't have to negotiate.
You say what you want, you can argue, you can make up – there are no obligations or responsibilities. Everyone is actually free (even if it doesn't seem that way to you). In marriage, you are not free.
Moreover, you definitely don't know the person you are in a love relationship with, because they are with you only when it is convenient for them, and they are the way you want them to be. Maybe they give you something, say nice things, promise you mountains of gold.
But this is an inferior relationship, in which it is difficult for you to recognize him – for you he is an image, a valuable prize (because he doesn't come to you), you have a fixed idea: to close the gestalt and get this prize.
And now you have him at your complete disposal. When you finally pushed him and he divorced, it turns out that he is not at all what you imagined him to be. You can no longer demand anything like before (“get a divorce and that’s it!”), because in marriage you have to negotiate. And for him you are no longer a convenient woman who agrees to everything, but a wife, and you have rights.
From a purely psychological point of view, such relationships cannot withstand the transition to another level, because over the years both people have become accustomed to a different way of communicating with each other.
It is for this reason that a large percentage of divorces in such remarriages occur in men who are fueled by the desire to return to their ex-wife, who understood everything and turned a blind eye to everything.
If a man seeks to live for two families, the reason for this can be found in childhood.
Perhaps such a boy had an overprotective mother and now, having grown up, he needs two figures – a wife (often similar to a mother-leader) and a mistress (a woman with whom he can take a break from the “mother”). In this case, a mistress is an opportunity to escape from a domineering wife and act as a strong man, to feel self-sufficient. In this way, the man compensates for what he did not receive in childhood.
Another reason is the pattern of relationships borrowed from parents. Men whose childhood was spent in a full-fledged family, where the system of values included loyalty and decency towards family members, usually do not cheat on their wives. If a child sees a healthy picture of the family from childhood, then he adopts it into adulthood. If a boy finds out that his father is cheating on his mother, it is recorded in the subcortex: so it is allowed.
Men with complexes are also prone to relationships on the side – they start a mistress to feel like a man, to feel their significance and need not only in the family, but also outside it.
People often make mistakes in relationships, don't reflect, don't think about what will happen if they act under the influence of emotions, hormones, etc.
Many mistakes are the result of our traumas received in childhood.
Therefore, when you are stuck for a long time in a situation that clearly generates negativity, toxicity, or codependency, don't be afraid to seek help from a professional.
