I imagine the internet as a vast net, a seine. Like the tale of the Fisherman and the Fish, casting it into the sea of information can net you anything you want—furniture, videos, groceries, even finding your soulmate! The key is understanding what kind of fish you want to catch. To do this, you need to choose the right net, cast it in the right place, choose the right bait, and when the fish comes, don't scare it away and hook it just in time.
Setting yourself up for a specific outcome is half the battle. People usually find what they're looking for. So, first, we need to determine who we're looking for and why. To make your search easier, it's best to make a list: what's crucial about the person you're looking for, what can be ignored, and who we shouldn't encounter at all.
There are several options for searching: you can post your profile on a specialized dating site, you can respond to people you like without posting your profile, or you can do both. The key is how you do it!
When posting your profile, be brief but informative about yourself. Include your strengths, hobbies, interests, and life priorities. Your photo should be high-quality, large enough, and fresh and close to the original. Avoid posting a photo of yourself on a mountaintop, wearing sunglasses and a knitted hat, as seen from a flying helicopter. Listing the character traits and habits of potential suitors that you find unacceptable will save you a lot of time and effort. For example, some women write, “If you're married or a heavy drinker, please avoid my profile.”
If you decide to write to someone yourself, don't send a generic, generic letter. Highlight what you liked about their profile, what touched you, and why you wanted to communicate with them specifically. But don't correspond for too long, otherwise it could turn into a virtual romance; get down to business.
Giving out your home phone number to just anyone is a bad idea. For conversations with potential partners, consider getting a different mobile phone and using it exclusively for these types of calls. This is cheaper than changing your home and mobile numbers later if the communication becomes too intrusive.
I think it's worth talking on the phone before a meeting for several reasons: first, to hear the other person's voice, and second, to assess their vocabulary and communication skills. A friend of mine corresponded with a young man for about a week, and all was well until he called to arrange a date. He used the indefinite article “fuck” almost every word, naturally avoiding it in his letters. This was too much for her ears, and their meeting never took place.
Translating virtual relationships into real ones is a delicate matter. There are no trivial details. The important questions for us remain: where to meet, what to wear, what to talk about, and what's best left unsaid.
A small study conducted by the author for this article showed that out of 15 men, 4 suggested meeting in the metro (warm, light, dry and inexpensive), 3 in a cafe, 3 in a restaurant, 1 in a nightclub, 2 invited me to their place, 2 suggested going for a walk on the streets of Moscow, and 1 was undecided.
I think meeting on the subway to get to know each other better is simply not serious. There's nowhere to sit, unless you're just riding in the train cars, it's noisy, and you can't have a real conversation. A café, restaurant, or nightclub is fine. The streets of Moscow are also a plus, as long as the weather is good. Advice for women: if a man is having trouble choosing or invites you to a place you really don't want to go, a good option is the Central House of Artists on Krymsky Val. You can see an art exhibition and relax if you're tired—there are soft benches in the halls. There's a cozy café on the ground floor. Next to the Central House of Artists is a lovely sculpture and landscape park.
Going to someone's house, to a stranger's place, to a dacha, or to a vacation home is quite risky when meeting someone. It's not at all certain that something will happen there, but you need to ensure your safety, so it's best to go to public places from which you can return home on your own whenever you want. It's a good idea to tell someone at home or a friend where and with whom you'll be meeting, and leave their phone number. Just in case.
Dress appropriately for the place you're going. Clothes should not only look good but also be comfortable so you feel confident.
Research has shown that people form impressions of people in the first 15 seconds. As the saying goes, “We never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Friendliness, calm, and a smile are what it takes to establish rapport and trust.
During a first meeting, avoid talking about your ex-spouses and partners, your own illnesses, discussing work issues in detail, or engaging in religious debates. It's recommended to listen more and ask supportive questions. Listen actively, occasionally offering comments like, “Wow!”, “Yes, yes,” or “How interesting!” Use Gleb Zheglov's rule: “Find a topic that interests them.” This will encourage your conversation partner to open up, and the conversation will be more sincere.
But if your interlocutor talks only about himself, about his successes and achievements, perhaps he is simply asserting himself at your expense, raising his self-esteem.
If your conversation partner talks at length and in detail about their previous relationships, squabbles with their boss, etc., there's a good chance they're compensating for a lack of communication and have little interest in you. One of the young men I met, after inviting me to a restaurant, barely touched his food because he was sharing details of his relationship with his ex-wife, the divorce, and how he was still coping (in detail). I realized he had no other intention than to talk things out.
At this stage, it's important to figure out whether you like the person you're communicating with and whether you want to continue the relationship. If you don't like the person, it's best not to lie about calling them; tell them directly that you made the wrong choice.
If you liked it, but can’t understand what impression you made, then I can offer the following solutions:
1) Before saying goodbye, say, “I really liked you. I had a very interesting and pleasant time with you. I don't know if you liked me, but if you want to meet me again, call or write. I'll be glad.” After that, all you have to do is wait for the situation to develop;
2) or: “I had a really interesting and enjoyable time with you. Maybe we could go somewhere together? To the movies, for example? (To the theater, for a walk)” This option is good because the answer is not postponed indefinitely.
Despite the common belief that meeting people online is easy and that communicating with them is effortless, my own experience has led me to the conclusion that online dating is, above all, work. Correspondence, conversations, and meetings all require a certain amount of dedication. Many people find online dating addictive; they can't settle on just one person—what if someone better, prettier, and smarter comes along tomorrow?
The internet has become part of modern culture, and like a drop of water, it reflects society itself. It has both good and bad aspects. The idea that only insecure losers meet online is long outdated. Many interesting, intelligent, and decent, yet lonely people are unable to find a partner due to their extreme busyness. And dating sites are often their only option. However, there are also plenty of people with deep-seated inner problems.
Meeting people online is, of course, easier. You don't have to go anywhere, look for the right person, think about what to say, or how to approach them. Especially since the person you like might be busy and not be interested in meeting someone. It's easier online—we write a letter or message to someone who has the same goals as us. But if you haven't met the person you're looking for in a while, take a break for 2-3 weeks. During this time, new people will appear on websites, and you might be inspired to meet again.
Don't despair if results aren't immediate, because there's no such thing as failure, only experience. Be sure to believe in success, and it will come, like all miracles that happen to those who believe in them. Isn't it a miracle to catch a goldfish in the vast ocean, one day swimming up to us and saying in a human voice, “I love you?”
